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Friday, 14 March 2014

BOMBED CHOCOLATE! By Mary

BOMBED CHOCOLATE!!!

There was a girl called Tintin, and she loved chocolate but she hadn’t had it for a while. She began craving chocolate so she looked around to see if her favourite chocolate is galaxy smooth. She lived in a bad area were there were lots of bombing, shooting and riots. She is lucky to be alive she strolled all the way to Tesco to get galaxy. As she got there she found a new chocolate that looked really tasty but the strange thing was it was in a jar. She got home safely but when she lifted the lid. BOOM!
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2 comments:

  1. Mrs. Schmidt16 March 2014 at 05:21

    Dear Mary,
    Thank you for taking part in this week's 100 Word Challenge. Very creative idea to have exploding candy! I am really feeling bad for Tintin living in that war zone area. I was nervous for her to be walking to Tesco alone! I just wanted her to be able to eat the chocolate to have some enjoyment in life. I hope the explosion didn't hurt her or destroy her house! Great job building suspense in the story and using a cliffhanger for the ending. Don't forget to proofread your story before you publish next time. I do see a few places that need periods for new sentences and the name of the chocolate bar, Galaxy, should be capitalized. You might also want to tell your readers that Tesco is a supermarket where people can buy food. In America, we don't have stores called Tesco but I visited England last summer and shopped in one so I knew what it was.

    Keep up the good work!
    Mrs. Schmidt (Team 100 WC)
    Grade 3 Teacher
    Pennsylvania, USA

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  2. Joseph Team 100. Sheffield, UK16 March 2014 at 11:11

    Wow, what an eventful story! You've got some really good parts. For example the words you used to describe her neighbourhood: “bombing, shooting and riots”. They made the story look professional. Just one slip up... “she looked around to see if her favourite chocolate is galaxy smooth” does that make sense to you? Maybe you could have a friend read over your work to make sure everything makes sense to people reading it. Your ending is spectacular. You've responded to the low word count very well, which shows by the “BOOM!” ending. Very well done indeed, good work!

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