One scary day in Bangkok
city there was a boy called bobby dear and he was happy until he saw a loser
called monster. also he ATE cars such as minis .he ATE so many cars he went
KABOOMMMMMMM! AND BOBBY WENT FLYING TO TEA BAG ISLAND, WhERE ALL HE CALLED SEE
IS WATER. SO BOBBY JUNIORTHE 2ND MET THE KING OF THE LAND.
” WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE
SIBLING?”
“CREATEING SIBLINGS!”
SAID BOBBY.
“NOT ON MY LAND YOUR
NOT!” SO BOBBY WENT BACK TO BANGKOK CITY
FROM A ROcKET FROM NASA.
THEN BOBBY DIED OF OLD
AGE ... THE END.
i like the way u have used speech but u could use a better word than said from Kelly
ReplyDeleteI think that too
Deleteyour writing goes in capitals at one point and small caps in another part. From cydni
ReplyDeletesorry but i didn't quite understand other than that you have used good full stops. from jafna
ReplyDeleteHello Maison and Harry,
ReplyDeleteYour story has shown you both have a good imagination as you tell your tale of Bobby Dear in Bangkok. You have also used speech effectively. Well done. :)
I can see the care you have taken with spelling. I also see you know how to punctuate speech. Again, well done.
My suggestion might be to take care with capital letters in a story. With people texting messages and posting comments on line, capital letters are normally only used at the start of sentences or for special names. When writing in capital letters, it is thought to be yelling. Your second last sentence could be written…
“NOT ON MY LAND YOU’RE NOT!” so Bobby went back to Bangkok City from a rocket from NASA.
Being an exclamation, the spoken words might be yelled if the person is angry whereas the other words are lower case unless special names such as “Bangkok City”. “NASA” is an acronym (a word made from initials) of National Aeronautics and Space Administration so keeps the capitals.
You have good ideas for writing and creating place names so I hope you can keep entering the 100WC. Writers need to share the worlds they create with others.
Ross Mannell (Team 100WC)
Teacher (retired), N.S.W., Australia
Good story but there is spelling errors and remember to put capital letters also try and get some adjectives in those sentences.
ReplyDeleteJAMES S
Love the words. Your story is really runny. Well done harry and Maison from kerry
ReplyDelete