One
day, in a land filled of wonder, there lived a pretty girl. Her name was Namira.
She lived in a giant mansion. The owner of the house was called Betty. Namira
was very poor, but inside she was a very wealthy person. Also she was very good
at singing. Every time when she was washing up the dishes or scrubbing the
floor, she would sing till her heart’s content. That made Betty jealous as she
had a very rat like voice. Betty would always keep her busy but somehow she
would always sing and stay happy. Betty couldn’t resist but to tell her daddy.
Betty’s dad was a filthy rich person he thought everything was his.
”daddy how do you make a servant sad and
grumpy?”
“Well
servants are always sad and grumpy”
“Not
my one”
“Well
kick her out then”
So
the cruel Betty. Kicked her out. That made namira very sad. She sat near the
fountain when suddenly she sore something
but all she could see was water
This started very well - a land full of wonder is a great descriptive opening. I also like the way you said she was wealthy inside, because of her gift of singing.
ReplyDeleteI felt like you rushed the ending a little but well done.
i agree with the first comment. i personally think that you should add more detail at the end and that you shouldn't use a full stop BETWEEN and KICKED
ReplyDeleteI agree, check your speech punctuation - always have punctuation before the 99. Also check your proper nouns start with a capital letter and read aloud to check where the missing commas should go.
ReplyDeletei love your story Mayeda it was very interesting good job
ReplyDeleteMARY
thank you mary
ReplyDelete