One day there was a
boy, who loved sharks and his name was Tareeq. It was Tareeq’s 11th
birthday and his mum told him that he could go to the aquarium, with 2 friends
and they were Josh and Antoine.
There were Tareeq’s best friends and they came to his house. They put their
coat and shoes on and took off in mum’s car. Mums car was a nice car it had
leather seats and brown carpet.
But when they got there all
they could see was water and Josh and Antoine disappeared and there was a
huge tank full of blood.
Hi Antoine and Tareeq,
ReplyDeleteWow, what an amazing story! I love how you told a story about a normal trip to an aquarium, with some fantastic detail about the car – then it suddenly turned into a horror story! Well done!
I like the use of ‘took off’ to describe the movement of the car because I could clearly picture how fast it was moving.
Next time, could you think about your sentences – there are a lot of ‘and’s used to join sentences, when you could use other connectives or perhaps shorter sentences?
Keep up the good work!
Mr Hyde
Team 100WC
Willoughby, Lincolnshire, England
we should of used words like also, therefore,also and in conclution
Deletetareeq
i did not expect that good story
ReplyDeletemary