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Friday 29 November 2013

Jeff Rises by Millie S


In the year of 1965, a child murdering clown was put in a mental home. While in there he ripped his heart out and died. Unfortunately, today he came back...

Two police decided to check out a mansion to see if there were any squatters

“Wait... I know this place... Oh No...Run!” squealed Rob, quivering.

“I never run, Rob! Look... there’s someone at the window! I’m going in to check it out, with or without you.” Victoria shouted bravely.

Rob, not wanting Victoria to get hurt, followed her in.

“MuaHahaHaha...” a creepy voice chuckled as the door slammed behind them.

“What was that?..”

To Be Continued...
 
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4 comments:

  1. Unknown29 November 2013 at 11:54

    Brilliant Millie, well done. Very clear and makes me want to continue reading to find out what will happen. Great complex sentence with 'not wanting Victoria to get hurt'

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous30 November 2013 at 13:10

    Hi Millie
    I really like the way you have gone back in time a little to give the reader more information about the character, explaining who he was and why he was there, what a clever idea! You have some great vocabulary and description, I feel that I have got an idea of the characters of Rob and Victoria.
    Nicely written, well done
    Miss T team 100wc
    Winchester, England

    ReplyDelete
  3. Anonymous6 December 2013 at 02:13

    Hey mills nice writing i really got ingrosed in it. I think the one thing that could add is some more descriptive language to really improve your story
    good luck with improving from your dearest friend tin tin

    ReplyDelete
  4. Anonymous6 December 2013 at 02:30

    In the year of 1965, a child murdering clown was put in a mental home. Through his craziness he ripped his heart out and died. Unfortunately, today he came back...

    Two police decided to check out a mansion to see if there were any squatters in there.

    “Wait... I know this place... Oh No...Run!” squealed Rob, quivering.

    “I never run, Rob! Look... there’s someone at the window! I’m going in to check it out, with or without you.” Victoria shouted bravely.

    Rob, not wanting Victoria to get hurt, followed her in.

    “MuaHahaHaha...” a creepy voice chuckled as the door slammed behind them and carnival music played.

    “What was that?..”

    To Be Continued...

    ReplyDelete

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