It was a dark stormy night when two little
boys walked into a scary damp horrifying house that nobody knew about and they went in the house.....
Friday, 6 September 2013
A Stormy Night by Emad
It was damp the boy called mason went up
stairs and Emad stayed down stairs suddenly I heard crack he did not go shouted
Mason but he did not reply so I slowly
went up stairs
I was shocked mason stabbed I was scared but
then I saw a shadow slowly coming to me slowly with a sharp and long knife... and
I ran for life and went running back home thinking about what happen.
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I loved reading this and can't wait to find out what or who the shadow is. I like that you have used an exciting opener to make it more exciting. Next time could you check your punctuation e.g. capital letters for names to make it even better? Your last sentence doesn't need 'slowly' twice so take out the last one to make it perfect.
ReplyDeleteGreat adjectives (dark, stormy, scary, damp) and adverbs (slowly. As Mrs Wilson said, check your punctuation and capital letters. You could also think about using commas to show me when to take a mini pause.
ReplyDeleteVERy good. From Mr. Duffin's Class
ReplyDeleteyes very good
DeleteGood story and good adjectives Mr.duffin Heathfield international school
ReplyDeletei like this story because it was excited
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteIt was a dark stormy night when two little boys walked into a scary damp horrifying house that nobody knew about and they stepped into the house.....
It was damp the boy called Mason went up stairs and Emad stayed down stairs. Suddenly, I heard a crack, "HELP"! shouted Mason but i did not reply. So I slowly crept up stairs.
I was shocked Mason got stabbed I was petrified but then I saw a shadow slowly coming towards me slowly with a sharp and long knife... and I ran for my life and went running back home thinking about what happen.
Posted by Poverest Primary Year 6 at 04:20
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6 comments:
Mrs Wilson8 September 2013 08:30
I loved reading this and can't wait to find out what or who the shadow is. I like that you have used an exciting opener to make it more exciting. Next time could you check your punctuation e.g. capital letters for names to make it even better? Your last sentence doesn't need 'slowly' twice so take out the last one to make it perfect.
Reply
Paul Haylock8 September 2013 11:05
Great adjectives (dark, stormy, scary, damp) and adverbs (slowly. As Mrs Wilson said, check your punctuation and capital letters. You could also think about using commas to show me when to take a mini pause.
Reply
Mark Kongsawad9 September 2013 19:34
VERy good. From Mr. Duffin's Class
Reply
Replies
gostic ofneverdie9 September 2013 19:45
yes very good
Reply
gostic ofneverdie9 September 2013 19:37
Good story and good adjectives Mr.duffin Heathfield international school
Reply
gostic ofneverdie9 September 2013 19:42
i like this story because it was excited
Reply
ReplyDeleteIt was a dark stormy night when two little boys walked into a scary damp horrifying house that nobody knew about and they went in the house.....
It was damp the boy called mason went up stairs and Emad stayed down stairs suddenly I heard crack he did not go shouted Mason but he did not reply so I slowly went up stairs
I was shocked mason stabbed I was scared but then I saw a shadow slowly coming to me slowly with a sharp and long knife... and I ran for life and went running back home thinking about what happen.
Posted by Poverest Primary Year 6 at 04:20
Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to Facebook
6 comments:
Mrs Wilson8 September 2013 08:30
I loved reading this and can't wait to find out what or who the shadow is. I like that you have used an exciting opener to make it more exciting. Next time could you check your punctuation e.g. capital letters for names to make it even better? Your last sentence doesn't need 'slowly' twice so take out the last one to make it perfect.
Reply
Paul Haylock8 September 2013 11:05
Great adjectives (dark, stormy, scary, damp) and adverbs (slowly. As Mrs Wilson said, check your punctuation and capital letters. You could also think about using commas to show me when to take a mini pause.
Reply
Mark Kongsawad9 September 2013 19:34
VERy good. From Mr. Duffin's Class
Reply
Replies
gostic ofneverdie9 September 2013 19:45
yes very good
Reply
gostic ofneverdie9 September 2013 19:37
Good story and good adjectives Mr.duffin Heathfield international school
Reply
gostic ofneverdie9 September 2013 19:42
i like this story because it was excited
Reply