One sunny and bright afternoon I was on my daily swim, which was rather pleasant, when suddenly a huge monster appeared on the surface of the water.
It seemed to
be observing me, just waiting for me to move. Then, out of know where
It was
lowering a huge hook into the soft, calm water. Down, down it came sawing
through the water towards me like a snake looking for his pray. Faster and
faster it fell, until ... the hook sank into the poor, petrified fish’s scales
and soon he was dead, his spirit, rising towards heaven.
Loved your final sentence about the spirit rising towards heaven - superb. You might like to change the start of It was lowering a huge ... doesn't quite make sense. Otherwise very well done. Mrs. Wheller
ReplyDeleteExcellent choice of vocabulary for example, rather pleasant, observing but my favourite phrase is "Down, down it came sawing through the water" Very dramatic! Well done Mrs. Weeks
ReplyDeleteknow - knowledge
ReplyDeleteExcellent use of simile and complex sentence Tina. Lovely point of view from a fish.
ReplyDelete'Then out of nowhere...'
I'm a little confused in that it is written in the first person and the hook appears to be coming for you, but then it hooks another fish.
Tina
ReplyDeleteLike PaulI was a little confused by the change of who was hooked. The idea of a fishes view is a great idea.
Andy Team 100WC
Hi,Tina.i'm.a.bit.confused.about.who's.reading/saying.the.story.other.than.that.i.loved.it
ReplyDeletejafna