One day when I looked out off the
window there was suddenly three men
looking at me and were holding crowbars and had blood on them!...Then I turned
around to get mum then I heard a crack and then I ran upstairs and suddenly mum
had disapered from my eyes. then I saw my mum in the back off a truck tied up
and then the three men tried to kill me by burning the house but I survived and
didn’t stop until I found my mum!
I loved reading this and can't wait to find out what happened to the three men and Mum. I like that you have used detail to set the scene 'holding crowbars with blood on them'. 'Suddenly, Mum had disappeared from my eyes.'
ReplyDeleteNext time could you use a range of connectives to make it even better (you have used 'then' five times)?
I'm terrified James! However I am pleased you were both safe in the end. Next time think about full stops and commas to show us readers when to take a breath. Read it yourself, when you take a little pause, you will need a comma. A bigger pause will need a full stop.
ReplyDeleteSo terrified it was so good what's disapered?
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteOne dark day when I looked out off the window there was suddenly three men looking at me like they were devils from hell.They were holding crowbars and had dripping blood on them!...Suddenly I turned around to get mum then I heard a crack and then I ran upstairs and suddenly mum had disapered from my eyes. then I saw my mum in the back off a truck tied up and then the three men tried to kill me by burning the house but I survived and didn’t stop until I found my mum! NOTHING WILL STOP ME!!!
Posted by Poverest Primary Year 6 at 04:19
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