Connor called
Lucia, Grace barked! Connor ran over...He stopped; laid down on the soft cotton
wool like grass then said, “How about this sky?”
“It’s
beautiful,”
Lucia and I simultaneously said.
It was about
4:00 so we decided to we would go for a walk in the woods, just me Lucia, Connor
and little Grace. Yap, yap, yap, went little Grace chasing her little tail,
whilst I tried to put her lead on her.
We started
walking up as we approached the entrance Grace stopped and coward; I tugged on
her lead and forced her to walk. Then we saw an evil looking statue its mouth
moved then the sky turned black....
Shocking scene with the statue's mouth moving and the sky turning black. Good use of speech. Next time try to use adverbs.
ReplyDeleteHello Millie,
ReplyDeleteYou have descriptive detail of the initial action of your story. It seems so normal, that when you see the statue, the readers sit up and take notice. Having little Grace foreshadow the evil at the end is a good technique. Don't forget to edit for punctuation so your readers will be able to follow your story more easily.
Nice job.
Hello Emma,
The description in your work is excellent. It almost sounds like poetry! Good writing creates pictures in the readers' minds, and you have done just that. Good job!
Barbara McFall (Team 100WC)
Teacher at The Phoenix School, Salem, MA USA
I love your work I think the punctuation needs to be improved thogh apart from that its is fantastic.
ReplyDeleteConnor called Lucia, Grace barked! Connor ran over...He stopped; laid down on the soft cotton wool like grass then said, “How about this sky?”
ReplyDelete“It’s beautiful!”
Lucia and I simultaneously said.
It was about 4:00 so we decided to we would go for a walk in the woods, just me Lucia, Connor and little Grace. Yap, yap, yap, went little Grace chasing her little fluff of a tail. whilst I tried to put the lead on her; we noticed it getting unusually dark early.
We started walking up as we approached the entrance Grace stopped and coward; I tugged on her lead therefor it forced her to walk. suddenly we saw a evil looking statue, its mouth moved in a rush then the sky turned black....