I got up and walked into mum’s room! She was gone... Jake was still in
bed... I walked into the bathroom... nothing! I woke Jake, he got up suddenly I
heard a crack! Jake had steeped on a egg. Jake did not bother mopping up his
slimy foot. Jake put on his flip flops and declared go to look for my mum he
told me to lock the door and stay in bed.... it was really dark I couldn’t turn
my light on since the light bulb had blown. There was a knock on the door.... it was not Jake
he had a key.....
I loved reading this. You have made good use of short sentences and ellipsis to create suspense. I especially like the sentence 'I walked into the bathroom...nothing'.
ReplyDeleteCan you improve the middle part by joining the sentence about Jake not bothering to mop up his slimy foot but grabbing his flip flops with a connective. Then have the part about looking for Mum and telling you to stay in bed as another sentence to make this even better?
What a fantastic ending, I really want to find out who is knocking at the door. I agree with Mrs Wilson, some fantastically punctuated sentences at the beginning. You need to make sure all of your writing is correctly punctuated.
ReplyDeleteSome super vocabulary Millie and typical Millie extra details (he stepped on an egg!)
ReplyDeleteKeep it up Millie.
Mr Duffin
thank u mr Duffin from millie w
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