One dark night I entered a haunted house.
As I slowly walked
through the door I suddenly heard a crash! Then I saw a spooky shadow coming
towards me!
The shadow pointed at
me ,I was terrified. I thought I was
going to die!
After a while the
shadow stopped. Then I quickly ran upstairs
and locked myself in the bedroom. I thought I was safe.
While I was In the
bedroom ...suddenly I heard a crack...
and spooky music! Then I opened the door and saw lots of spiders
and ghosts dancing and having lots of fun!
I loved reading this and can't wait to find out what the crack was and if you are safe. I like that you have used an exciting openers to make it more interesting e.g. after a while and your first 4 sentence are brilliant.
ReplyDeleteTo make this even better, next time on your last sentence, tell me how you opened the door to keep the suspense going all the way to the end. This would then link back to your first sentence which was fantastic.
Great use of adverbs (slowly and quickly. I also was very terrified until everyone started dancing!
ReplyDeleteYou could also talk to your reader by asking us questions. E.g. The shadow pointed at me...I screamed...What would you have done?
Hello Kerry and Kelly, you have chosen a plot that leads the reader in suspense through the door to the scary happenings beyond. There is a good mixture of slow movement, for example when the character first walks through the door and then fast movement when they run up the stairs...this unsettles the reader which is excellent! I laughed when the final sentence broke the tension - well done!
ReplyDeleteI liked the way it was spooky and funny at the same time from jess
ReplyDelete