It was a dark gloomy day and it was my friend’s birthday!
And I forgot what should I get wait a minute know what to get I will
get a robot.
After I got the amazing toy
for my best friend Jamie So I went to his house to give it he slowly put the
batteries
BOOM!!!!!!!! The ghost robot burst out with flames
Well done Emad, good use of adjectives throughout. Your second sentence is a bit confusing, as you mix past and present tense.
ReplyDeleteIt should be, 'At first I forgot what to get, but then I remembered...a robot!
I liked the title of your writing Emad - does this mean you have written other stories about the Ghost toys? Was it for 100WC?
ReplyDeleteDid you mean you couldn't remember rather then you forgot what you should get? It would make more sense.
Remember to re-read your writing to make sure you have punctuated accurately. Punctuation helps the reader to make sense of your writing. Sometimes reading your writing aloud helps to notice where full stops should be.
I like the font you chose - it suits your writing. I also like the use of onomatopoeia .The capital letters for BOOM and the exclamation marks helped me hear how loud the noise was.
I hope I get to read some more of your writing.
Return of Ghost Toys by Emad
ReplyDeleteIt was a dark gloomy day and it was my friend’s birthday!
And I forgot what should I get wait a minute know what to get I will get a robot.
After I got the amazing toy for my best friend Jamie So I went to his house to give it he slowly put the batteries
BOOM!!!!!!!! The ghost robot burst out with flames
Return of Ghost Toys by Emad
ReplyDeleteIt was a dark gloomy day and it was my friend’s birthday!
And I forgot what should I get wait a minute know what to get I will get a robot.
After I got the amazing toy for my best friend Jamie So I went to his house to give it he slowly put the batteries
BOOM!!!!!!!! The ghost robot burst out with flames
It was a dark, gloomy day and it was Jamie's, my best friend, birthday!
ReplyDeleteAt first I couldn't remember what to get Jamie for his birthday. Then I remembered what to get - a brilliant football playing robot!
After I got the amazing toy, for my best friend Jamie, I went to his house to give it to him. He looked really excited and he quickly put in the batteries...
BOOM!!!!!!!!
The football robot burst out with flames!