Once there was a girl who was called Tanya, it was her
birthday. The smell of delicious cooked breakfast woke her to a present on her
snugly bed, a box that had a doll in it! Tanya’s mum dragged herself to the
shops. “I will be back soon sweetheart!” she shouted from downstairs.
She rapidly opened her present. Inside was the Malibu doll, her hair smelt
like coconut. But when she put the batteries in...it was a whole new world! The
Malibu doll was malevolent and tried to exterminate Tanya, then made her into a
doll and it took over the world.
Fantastic word choices Tanya, including an excellent simile. I'm most impressed with your verb choice of 'dragged' and adverb 'rapidly.
ReplyDeleteHello Tanya,
ReplyDeleteYou have used some wonderful words to create excellent effect in your writing.
I like to use ed-ing-ly as a tip.
Start a sentence with an -ed word. Example:- Startled, she stopped like a rabbit caught in the headlights.
Start a sentence with an -ing word. Example:- Running, he slipped, rolled over and slid into an ant's nest.
Start a sentence with a -ly word. Example:- Cautiously, the mouse peeked out from its hole and ventured into the open air.
Keep writing.
Ms R. Orr
Head Teacher
Team 100WC
Holy Trinity Rosehill VA CE Primary School
Stockton
UK
Once there was a girl who was called Tanya, it was her birthday. The smell of delicious, yummy cooked breakfast woke her to a present on her snugly,warm bed, a box that had a doll in it! Tanya’s mum dragged herself to the shops. “I will be back soon sweetheart!” she roared from downstairs.
ReplyDeleteShe rapidly opened her present. Inside was the Malibu doll, her hair smelt like coconut. But when she put the batteries in...it was a whole new world! The Malibu doll was malevolent and tried to exterminate Tanya, then made her into a doll and it took over the world.